"Spiritual Abuse"
I've recently talked with several people who have used the term "abuse" in their descriptions of past church experiences. Such actions by the church and its leadership are shameful at best - especially when our motivating factor should be the love of God. In an effort to expose and end such abuse, I encourage you to read the following three articles.
Randy
Click here to read "Beware of Spiritual Abuse"
Click here to read "Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse"
Click here to read "Counsel or Coercion?"
Beware
of "Spiritual Abuse"
By
Craig von Buseck
CBN.com Producer
Spiritual
abuse can be difficult to detect at first if you have never encountered it. In a
manipulative church, the pastor or senior leaders have subtly positioned
themselves to take the place of the Holy Spirit in people's lives. They may try
to put undue influence on the choices that people in their congregation are
making. They might try to sway someone’s decision in a matter to keep them
under their control, or to keep them from leaving the church.
People in a
controlling church are often told they cannot leave the church with God's
blessing unless the pastor approves the decision. They are warned that if they
don’t follow the pastor’s guidance, not only will God not bless them, but
they will also bring a curse upon themselves or their family. Leaving the
“covering” of the church and the controlling pastor will result in some sort
of calamity. When something bad does eventually befall an ex-member (as it
will since that's the way life is!), the pastor says, "See what happens
when you leave our church!"
When a pastor tells his congregation that those who leave his church or disobey
his authority are in danger of God’s wrath, you can be sure this man is
operating in a spirit of control. He is attempting to sow fear as a carnal means
of keeping people in his church.
“If you leave this church,” he may warn, “the blessing of God will be
lifted from your life, and you will miss God’s will. You will be in rebellion,
and you will open yourself up to all kinds of calamity. The devil will have
freedom to attack you because you have walked away from God’s protection,”
that “protection” being the one true church that he happens to pastor.
Fear is the motivation behind such comments — not love. You can be sure that
this type of reasoning is not from God. Jesus never motivated people out of
fear. Fear is a form of manipulation, which the Bible calls witchcraft.
Manipulation is sin. Instead of motivating people through love and a call to
serve the body of Christ and reach the lost, a spiritually abusive minister will
try to motivate through manipulation.
The apostle John is called the apostle of love because he wrote so much about
our call as Christians to walk in love. "There is no fear in love; but
perfect love casts out fear," he wrote in 1 John 4:18.
By keeping people in fear, controlling spiritual leaders work to get good
Christian people to build their religious kingdoms — by telling them that they
are building the
Jesus was more
critical of the religious leaders of His day than He was of the sinners, and for
good reason. The Jewish leaders put false religious burdens on the people for
the sake of their own prosperity. “They
crush you with impossible religious demands and never lift a finger to help ease
the burden.” (Matthew 23:4)
In this case, as
it is in controlling churches today, the people were burdened with rules and
regulations that needed to be performed to gain the acceptance of the religious
leaders — in that day the Pharisees. Today, it is the manipulative spiritual
leader. Many Christians today find themselves bearing the heavy load of the
religious baggage in an abusive system. Around the world, hurting churchgoers
struggle to earn the favor and approval of a modern-day Pharisee, all the while
thinking they are earning the favor of God.
The good news is that if you are in Christ, you already have God’s favor! And
no amount of work for a spiritually abusive pastor will give you more acceptance
than you already have.
Jesus recognized the burden that was being placed on sincere believers in His
time, who just wanted to do what is right. He saw them as sheep without a
shepherd, even though they were involved in the religious rituals in the temple
and synagogues.
In his book, Exposing
Spiritual Abuse, Mike Fehlauer points out that Jesus saw these dear
people as harassed: “This word conveys the idea of some outside force
pressing upon the people, causing them to feel weary, distressed and downcast.
This outside force was the religious system that placed its emphasis on outward
appearances. It was a system that promised peace based on one's ability to
follow the prescribed rules and regulations. If one failed, then there was
judgment.”
“Not having a shepherd didn't mean that the people lacked for those who
told them what to do,” he continues. “There were plenty of Pharisees
willing to do that. It meant they had no one to lead them to spiritual green
pastures. A shepherd doesn't drive his sheep as cattlemen drive their cattle. A
shepherd leads his sheep to a safe place where food is plentiful and where they
can find rest.”
The term shepherd is an Old Testament metaphor as well. Ezekiel 34 contains an
exhortation in which the Lord holds the leaders of
Son of man,
prophesy against the shepherds of
—Ezekiel 34:2–5
I wonder if
these modern-day Pharisees realize that God considers their congregations as
sheep without shepherds. Perhaps if they recognized how God viewed the
situation, they would change their ways.
The Christian
seeking guidance from a spiritual leader must also be on the lookout for the
dangerous trap of spiritual elitism that can produce an "us-and-them,"
or a “fortress” mentality. This is a telltale sign of spiritual abuse. A
church or pastor with an elitist attitude teaches, if ever so subtly, that no
other church or ministry is preaching the pure gospel — or at least, no one is
preaching it the way they should, in other words, the way that he is preaching
it. An elitist leader will discourage members from visiting other churches or
receiving counsel from anyone who doesn't attend their church. If anyone breaks
this rule, he or she is viewed as rebellious.
We see a
biblical example of this in 3 John 9–10:”I
wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to have the preeminence among
them, does not receive us. Therefore, if I come, I will call to mind his deeds
which he does, prating against us with malicious words. And not content with
that, he himself does not receive the brethren, and forbids those who wish to,
putting them out of the church.”
Spiritual
elitism is not a new thing in the church, but the apostle John rightly called it
“evil.”
A healthy
spiritual leader, on the other hand, respects and encourages the other churches
and ministries in a community, recognizing that there are several different
expressions of the body of Christ. A spiritually free pastor realizes that no
one denomination or local church can represent the love of Jesus to a city. A
healthy church will promote revival in the entire Christian community. It will
not promote the idea that it has some kind of doctrinal or spiritual
superiority.
In a healthy
relationship, a spiritual mentor will provide godly counsel from selfless
motives. He or she will want God’s will for your life. If that means that you
will need to leave the church or ministry, then they will rejoice that you are
being sent out to be a blessing in another place.
A healthy
pastoral relationship should produce peace in the life of the believer —
another one of the seven keys of God’s guidance. If the godly counsel that you
receive is not giving you peace or rest in your soul, it may not be from the
Lord. Remember, godly counsel is only one of the seven keys of God’s
guidance. You should never rely solely on the advice or input from another human
being in determining God’s will for you life — regardless of how long they
have been walking with the Lord.
Because man is a
sinner, building healthy spiritual relationships will always be a challenge.
Someone once said, “the perfect church stopped being perfect the minute I
walked in the door.” God's intention all along has been for the local church
to be healthy, life-giving, serving, encouraging, and Christ-centered. But
because He has chosen to use sinful men and women to lead His church, there will
always be the possibility that a local congregation can fall into deception or
unhealthy spiritual patterns.
There must be a
balance between humbly seeking guidance from a person of spiritual authority,
and subjecting yourself to the manipulative practice of spiritual abuse. Finding
that balance is an ongoing process in life. But it is a necessary struggle that
will prevent you from becoming weary and worn on one hand, trying to jump
through religious hoops that promise God's acceptance and love — and on the
other hand, from becoming an island unto yourself, determining what is right in
your eyes alone. Both sides of this spiritual spectrum are dangerous, and should
be avoided. Ask God to give you the grace and guidance to walk in the tension of
these truths — opening yourself to the input of mature Christian leaders,
while avoiding spiritual control.
If you find
yourself striving to gain the acceptance of spiritual leaders, or if your church
constantly requires more and more of your life with no end in sight — and
little encouragement along the way — then you may want to re-examine the
church you are attending.
We can protect
ourselves from spiritual abuse by considering all the keys of God's guidance in
every major decision.
Adapted
from "Seven
Keys to Hearing God's Voice."
(c) 2003, Hensley Publishing.
Warning
Signs of Spiritual Abuse, Part One
By
Mike Fehlauer
Pastor, Author, Director of Foundation Ministries
Many
believers have found themselves crushed beneath the religious baggage of an
abusive system.
The idea of spiritual abuse is not a new
phenomenon. In the Old Testament, God spoke against those who operated in their
own authority while abusing the very people they were to bless. In Jeremiah
5:30-31 we read, "An astonishing and horrible thing has been committed
in the land: the prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule by their own
power; and My people love to have it so. But what will you do in the end?"
In these verses God is bringing an indictment against the religious
leaders of the Old Testament. We see the Lord's anger expressed against those
who operate in their own authority. Consumed with their own ambition, these
leaders have convinced the people that their power is divine. Yet in reality,
these false prophets are merely wielding their self-imposed influence for
personal gain, claiming they speak for God.
In Jeremiah 6:13-14 we read again of self-absorbed prophets and
priests who are so preoccupied with their own needs being met that the needs of
the people are being ignored. We read: "From the least of them even to
the greatest of them, everyone is greedy for gain, and from the prophet even to
the priest everyone deals falsely. And they have healed the brokenness of My
people superficially, saying, 'Peace, peace,' but there is no peace" (NAS).
A common characteristic of an abusive religious system is that the
real needs of the people are lost in the never-ending quest by the leaders for
personal fulfillment and happiness.
The tragic story of Diane, a young woman in her late teens who had
recently given her life to Christ, illustrates this point. Diane went on a
missions trip with a group from the church she had been attending. One day the
missions team was enjoying some recreation time when Diane suffered a tragic
accident that caused her leg to be so severely injured that it was necessary to
amputate it.
Diane's parents were not Christians, and in the past they had
somewhat resented the amount of time Diane had been spending at the church. When
the accident occurred, their response was to blame the church for Diane's
injury. They also felt the church should do something financially to help Diane.
During the time Diane was recovering in the hospital, her mother
happened to hear the senior pastor of Diane's church describing the new, sporty
car he intended to purchase. She began to tell people in the community about
this preacher who is living high on the church's money. Word got back to the
pastor, and needless to say, he was not happy.
After several weeks in the hospital, Diane was transferred to a
rehab facility. While she was in rehab the pastor came to see Diane. Diane was
still wheelchair bound because she had not yet been fitted with a prosthesis.
After the initial greetings and some brief small talk, the pastor bought up to
Diane what her mom was saying around town. The pastor advised Diane that her
'assignment' was to talk to her mother and get her to stop gossiping about the
pastor. Although Diane was still trying to process the idea of facing the rest
of her life without a leg, by the time the pastor left, it was clear to her that
her pastor had nothing to say to her to help her face the horrible physical and
emotional issues brought on by her accident.
One of the church's staff members made a suggestion that the church
buy Diane a prosthesis for her leg. Initially, the pastor vehemently opposed the
idea. However, after some time, just to help smooth things over with Diane's
mom, the pastor reluctantly consented to the purchase.
Diane's pastor failed to respond to Diane in a way that honored
God. In fact, his response was more like that of the Pharisees of the New
Testament, whom Jesus openly confronted concerning the way they treated others.
As you read the New Testament, it doesn't take a tremendous amount of insight to
see that the confrontations Jesus had were not with tax collectors,
adulteresses, prostitutes or other 'sinners.' His confrontations were with the
religious leaders and the religious system of His day.
In speaking of the Pharisees, Jesus said, "For they bind
heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they
themselves will not move them with one of their fingers" (Matt. 23:4).
The Amplified Bible paints an even clearer picture. It says, "They tie
up heavy loads, hard to bear, and place them on men's shoulders, but they
themselves will not lift a finger to help bear them." Jesus is
referring to the people's being weighted down by rules and regulations that
needed to be performed in order to gain the acceptance of the Pharisees. In the
same way, many believers today have found themselves crushed beneath the
religious baggage of an abusive system. Each day thousands of church members
find themselves struggling to earn the favor and approval of a modern-day
Pharisee.
Jesus cared deeply about His people and how they were treated. When
He saw the multitudes, "He was moved with compassion for them, because
they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd" (Matt.
Notice that Jesus saw them as harassed. This word conveys the idea
of some outside force pressing upon the people, causing them to feel weary,
distressed and downcast. This outside force was the religious system that placed
its emphasis on outward appearances. It was a system that promised peace based
on one's ability to follow the prescribed rules and regulations. If one failed,
then there was judgment.
Not having a shepherd didn't mean that the people lacked for those
who told them what to do. There were plenty of Pharisees willing to do that. It
meant they had no one to lead them to spiritual green pastures. A shepherd
doesn't drive his sheep as cattlemen drive their cattle. A shepherd leads his
sheep to a safe place where food is plentiful and where they can find rests.
Is it any wonder Jesus said:
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in
heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden
is light" (Matthew
A healthy church should produce peace and rest for your soul.
Establishing healthy spiritual relationships will always be a challenge, but the
process will prevent you from becoming weary and worn, trying to jump through
religious hoops that promise God's acceptance and love. If, in order to gain the
acceptance of its leaders, your church constantly requires more and more of your
life with no end in sight -- and little encouragement along the way -- then you
may want to re-examine the church you are attending.
God's intention all along has been for the local church to be
healthy, life giving, and Christ centered. But because He has chosen to use
frail, sin-prone individuals to lead His church, there is always the possibility
that a local congregation can fall into deception or unhealthy spiritual
patterns.
Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse -- Part Two
Power Positioning
There is certainly a place for biblical teaching on spiritual
authority. But if a pastor preaches on this subject every Sunday, constantly
reminding everyone that he is in charge, you can be sure that trouble is around
the corner.
In an unhealthy church, the pastor actually begins to take the
place of Jesus in people's lives. Commonly, people are told they cannot leave
the church with God's blessing unless the pastor approves the decision. The
implication is that unless they receive pastoral permission, not only will God
not bless them, but they will also be cursed in some way, resulting in sure
failure. Controlling spiritual leaders use this kind of reasoning to manipulate
people.
We must understand the process a church goes through to reach this
point of deception. Because many pastors measure their success through church
attendance, they may become disappointed if people leave their church. If they
are insecure, they may actually develop a doctrine in order to stop people from
leaving. They may preach sermons about unconditional loyalty, using the biblical
stories of David and Jonathan, or Elisha and Elijah.
By using examples like these, the leader can actually gain
"biblical" grounds to control even the personal areas of his
parishioners. A controlling leader may also attempt to instill a sense of
obligation by reminding his congregation of everything he has done for them.
This kind of preaching causes church members to seek a position of
favor with the pastor rather than a proper desire to "please God and not
man." Jesus also condemned such man-pleasing when He told the Pharisees, "I
have come in My Father's name, and you do not receive Me. How can you believe,
who receive honor from one another, and do not seek the honor that comes from
the only God?" (John 5:43-44).
When we pursue the honor of men, we do so at the expense of our
relationship with God. If we continue to do so, gradually men will take the
place of God in our lives. An unhealthy soul tie is created, and our sense of
confidence is determined by our standing with those in leadership. This kind of
control will destroy people spiritually!
A healthy church will not allow genuine pastoral concern to cross
the line into manipulation or control. A true shepherd will use his influence to
draw church members into a close relationship with Jesus, who is the only "head
of the church" (Eph.
Unquestioned Authority
In an unhealthy church, it is considered rebellion when someone questions decisions that are made or statements that are said from the pulpit. Granted, there are those who constantly question the leadership in any church -- but often such constant questioning comes from an individual's critical attitude. Pastors must learn to deal with such questioning in a compassionate, positive manner. However, in an unhealthy church, any and all questions are considered threats to the pastor's "God-ordained" authority. Members who do dare to question their leaders or who do not follow their directives often are confronted with severe consequences.
A man from one church told me, "We were told that it is more important to obey leaders than to question what they are doing." He went on to say, "It was unthinkable to question the motives of the pastor." This authoritarian environment allows the pastor to make personnel, financial and spiritual decisions with no accountability and no verification of the facts.
Pastors operating under a spirit of control are often convinced
that they are the only ones who can accurately hear from God. Under the constant
exposure to this spirit, members often become convinced that they indeed need
their pastor to think for them. In essence, their personal fellowship with the
Lord has been abdicated for a relationship with a man. As a result, they lose
their confidence in being able to discern the will of God for their lives.
An Atmosphere of Secrecy
Once a church member surrenders to a system of control, the leader
gives limited information to each individual, carefully monitoring each
relationship. As a result, each member is only able to relate to other members
based on the information he receives from the leader.
In this way, if the church staff or pastor determines that one of
the members has become a "threat," they have a strategy in place to
maintain the control they believe is required. Consequently the church can sever
relationships when necessary and keep this process cloaked behind a veil of
secrecy.
This is not limited to members of the congregation. I know a pastor
who did this with his staff. In casual conversations he would make a comment
that would result in one staff member becoming suspicious of another. Or he
would say something to cause one staff member to feel superior.
This atmosphere fueled selfish ambition and competition among the
staff. It became the pastor's way of maintaining control and ensuring that his
staff could never challenge his authority. In time, the assistant pastors
discovered what was happening, and eventually they all left.
Secrecy may also cloak the area of finances. Pastors may make
brazen appeals for money, yet offer no assurance that the finances of the church
are handled with accountability and integrity. If questions are raised
they are summarily dismissed and outside audits - especially in questionable
areas - are dismissed.
I have actually heard pastors tell their congregations that the
financial decisions of the church do not become a public matter because
"the congregation doesn't have the spiritual insight or maturity to
understand the dynamics of church finances." Have you heard this line of
reasoning?
Some pastors actually preach, "It doesn’t matter what we do
with your money. Your responsibility is simply to give." However, the Bible
commands us to be good stewards -- and part of good stewardship is making sure
that proper systems of accountability are established to handle tithes and
offerings. (See 1 Peter 4:10.)
It is very simple -- money represents power. Ultimately, control
comes down to issues of power. Therefore, it should be no surprise that
controlling leaders will use unbiblical means to manipulate people into giving.
As good stewards, when we become aware of financial mismanagement,
we are responsible for where we sow our financial seed. I can't imagine anyone
choosing to continue to give money after becoming aware of the misuse of funds.
However, if the approval of those in leadership is more important to a person
than financial integrity, that person might still feel compelled to give -- even
if misuse of funds was involved.
An Elitist Attitude
The deadly trait of elitism produces an "us and them"
mentality. A church with an elitist attitude believes "no one else is
really preaching the gospel" except that church. Or at least, no one is
preaching it as effectively as they are!
An elitist spirit discourages church members from visiting other
churches or receiving counsel from anyone who doesn't attend their church. If
anyone visits another church, he is viewed as a dissident.
"Everything you need can be found within the framework of our
group," this spirit says, adding, "Everything you need to know, you
will receive from the pastor and his teachings." Consequently, there is
little respect, if any, for other denominations or church groups.
One individual, in speaking about the elitist attitude within his
church, said, "Although we didn't come right out and say it, in our
innermost hearts we really felt there was no place like our assembly. We thought
the rest of Christianity was out to lunch."
Another man from the same church said, "When a well-known
evangelical speaker was preaching in another church in the area, the leaders
would discourage us from attending. Also, if the leaders found out that members
were considering visiting another church for any reason, they were called in and
chastised. 'You don't need to be going to those other churches,' they would tell
us. 'The ministry here is rich enough. Isn't the Lord feeding you here?'"
A healthy church respects and celebrates the other expressions of
Christ's many-membered body. A Jesus-centered church realizes that no one
denomination or local church can win a city, regardless of how large it is.
Christ-centered leaders who are clothed with humility recognize that the small
church is as significant as the large church, the Baptists are as vital as the
Charismatics, and every racial group has a place at the Lord's table.
A healthy church will promote other churches in the city, rather
than simply promoting its own events and agendas all the time. A healthy church
will promote spiritual renewal in all churches rather than further the idea that
it has some kind of doctrinal superiority. A healthy church will exude the
attitude described in Philippians 2:3-4:
"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness
of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not
only for his own interests, but also the interests of others."
Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse -- Part Three
Performance Emphasis
Opportunities to minister are abundant in most churches. Yet in a
controlling church, individual areas of ministry are no longer opportunities to
serve. They become necessary in order to prove one’s commitment to the
organization. Whether it is faithful attendance to worship services or working
in some department, proving one’s loyalty becomes the key.
Obviously church attendance is vital to our spiritual growth. But
if we find ourselves attending church so we can win favor with the pastor or to
earn his trust, then we have missed the point.
Galatians
Even though we are instructed to engage in certain disciplines in
the Christian life, these disciplines are not a means of gaining God’s
acceptance. They are meant to be a celebration of His unconditional love and
mercy.
Fear Motivation
When a pastor tells his congregation that those who leave his
church or disobey his authority are in danger of God’s wrath, you can be sure
this man is operating in a spirit of control. He is attempting to use fear as a
carnal means of keeping people in his church. The line usually goes like this:
“If you leave our church, the blessing of God will be lifted from your life,
and you will miss God’s will.” Another version says, “If you leave our
church, you will be in rebellion, and Satan will be free to bring havoc into
your life.”
Fear is the motivation behind such comments -- not love. You can be
sure that this type of reasoning is not from God. Jesus never motivated men out
of fear. In a controlling church, fear is a form of manipulation. Instead of
motivating people through love and servant hood, a controlling church tries to
motivate through manipulation. Motivating people through fear is a direct
contradiction to 1 John 4:18, which says, “There is no fear in love; but
perfect love casts out fear.”
Painful Exit
In a controlling church, it is impossible to leave on good terms.
Because the pastor’s sense of worth is usually based on the control he is able
to exert over the congregation, when someone leaves, this insecure leader
considers it an affront to his leadership. Therefore he often takes it
personally. As a result, when people do leave, they are labeled rebellious, or
the rest of the congregation is given the explanation that they left because
they had become offended.
In an unhealthy church, there is never a good reason why anyone
should leave. Regardless of the situation, the people who leave are always the
“problem.”
This truism present in abusive churches applies not only to
members, but to church staff as well. In one particular church, each time a
staff member left, the senior person did his best to cast a shadow over that
person’s reputation in the hope that it would destroy any chance of that
person succeeding without him someplace else.
Tyrone was a youth minister at a church like this. One of the first
conflicts he had with the senior pastor took place after a special youth
outreach that Tyrone headed up. It was a skateboard outreach. Tyrone went over
the idea and details with the senior pastor, informing the pastor that the
outreach would require bringing in a guest speaker.
Once everything was given the OK, Tyrone proceeded with the
outreach. It was a bigger success than anyone had anticipated. Approximately two
thousand kids came for the different skateboard rallies that were held over a
period of three days.
But instead of being excited about the results, the senior pastor
became angry. He told Tyrone that he was unhappy with the even because “it
took over the whole church.” Tyrone suspected that the pastor felt upstaged by
the response. “It was the talk of the church for some time,” Tyrone said.
Tyrone went on to clarify, “I came on staff there not only to
build a successful youth ministry, but also to be mentored in the things of
ministry.” Tyrone continued by saying that this position was his first
ministry position, and he knew he had a lot to learn. But he was willing to do
so.
It soon became apparent that the pastor had a different idea
concerning Tyrone’s position. Tyrone discovered that his job description also
involved shoveling the pastor’s drive, picking up his dry cleaning, starting
his car for him in the winter and cleaning out his pool in the summer. “I
didn’t mind doing any of that,” Tyrone said. “I was just expecting more
input from the pastor in the area of ministry.”
Tyrone continued by explaining, “A lot of the conflict was due to
our differing perspectives concerning my position as well as our views about
ministry.” After about one year, it was mutually decided that it would be
better if Tyrone resigned in light of “philosophical differences” between
the senior pastor and himself.
Tyrone told the pastor that after resigning, he would be moving to
Tyrone and his wife were shocked. Based on their previous
conversation, Tyrone was under the impression that they had reached a mutual
decision that being there at the church just wasn’t a good “fit.” The
statement described all the things that Tyrone had done wrong while he was at
that church and stated that the senior pastor didn’t believe Tyrone was
“ministry material.” It also said that Tyrone did not have a servant’s
heart and that the pastor even seriously doubted the validity of Tyrone’s
relationship with God.
Shortly after Tyrone and his wife arrived in
Shortly after this incident, Tyrone and his wife started a church
in
Many times in an abusive church you will hear the pastor declare
curses over the lives of those who have left. Accusations are made against their
character, and other members are strongly discouraged from having any contact
with the former members. I heard one pastor, while preaching, refer to a former
staff member as a spiritual “whore” and an "enemy" of the church because he left and took another
ministry position in another church. It is true that many people leave churches
for the wrong reasons. But in a controlling church, rarely – if ever – is
anyone truly blessed by the leadership as they leave.
What Can I Do About It?
How should you respond if your church displays one or more of these
unhealthy traits? Here’s some advice:
Talk with your pastor or someone else in leadership about your
concerns, keeping in mind that if he is truly motivated by a spirit of control
you may encounter some manipulation during the conversation. Stay in a humble
attitude rather than getting angry or defensive.
A controlling church leader will discourage you from speaking with
anyone else about your concerns. He will publicly and privately command you to
only talk to him about the issues you are concerned about. Meeting with
other leaders or the Board is not allowed. However, the Bible says that “in the
multitude of counselors there is safety” (Prov.
If after receiving counsel you are convinced that your church is in
the grip of a controlling spirit, then you are free to leave. You are not
responsible for anyone else who is still loyal to the church, so don’t try to
rescue them. Pray for those people to discern the situation.
At first you may feel that you can’t trust another pastor again,
but resist those thoughts and find a healthy church where the life of God is
flowing, where the Bible is preached without compromise and where love is
evident.
One couple went through the process of leaving an abusive church.
The pastor did everything he could to discredit them and malign their character.
Initially, they both were frightened that they would be blacklisted from every
church in their community. At first, they wanted to defend their character.
It
seemed that this pastor continued to have control over their lives even after
they left. They wondered if they would ever be able to escape his influence.
Finally, they realized that God was their defense and protection.
Instead of defending themselves, they decided to pray for their former pastor.
The more they prayed for him, the less threatening he became in their minds.
The
anger they first had toward the pastor was replaced with compassion. As time
passed, they realized that he didn’t have as much influence as they had
initially thought. Because they had kept their hearts pure, they were able to
find another church and to continue to grow spiritually.
There is life after spiritual abuse. You may be tempted to feel
that you will never escape the controlling grasp of an abusive leader. Satan
will cause you to think that the controlling leader’s influence is greater
than it really is. Don’t give in to Satan’s intimidation. Trust God to be
your strength and your defense. Keep your heart tender. Pray for those who have
used you, and bless those who have cursed you. If you will do these things, you
will discover a sure path that God has prepared for you as well as His destiny
for your life.
God has a healthy church for you. The Good Shepherd is fully able to lead you into a green pasture where you can grow in your relationship with Him (Ps. 23:2). As you allow Him to lead you, He will also anoint your head with oil, healing any wounds you encountered in an abusive environment (v. 5).
Copyright 2001 Mike Fehlauer. All rights reserved.
Excerpted from "Exposing
Spiritual Abuse" by Mike Fehlauer. Mike Fehlauer is pastor of Tree of
Life Church in
COUNSEL
OR COERCION?
By Craig
von Buseck
CBN.com Producer
Seeking godly counsel is like reading a portion of the book of someone’s life.
No one is an island to themselves in Christ. We all need to seek out and listen
to the wisdom and experience of godly men and women who have walked farther with
the Lord in life than we have. There are a number of people who would qualify to
give us godly counsel: Christian parents, a pastor, a cell group leader, a
professional Christian counselor, a youth group leader, a Sunday School teacher,
another mature leader in a church, or a trusted and mature Christian friend.
When
seeking godly counsel, it is important that we maintain an attitude of humility.
James says, God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble (4:6). As
believers, no matter how long we have walked with God, we must remain open to
the input of others. One of my former pastors used the metaphor of a ladder when
speaking of godly counsel: “You may be on the fifth rung of the ladder in your
life, and this man or woman of God is twenty rungs up above you. They have felt
and experienced those twenty rungs, and they can give you advice based on that
valuable experience.”
The apostle Peter gives us an excellent blueprint for how relationships are
supposed to work between spiritual leaders and their followers:
The elders
who are among you I exhort.… Shepherd the flock of God which is among you,
serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly, not for dishonest gain
but eagerly; nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples
to the flock; and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of
glory that does not fade away.
Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you
be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God resists
the proud, But gives grace to the humble.” Therefore humble yourselves under
the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time.
—1 Peter 5:1–6
Peter’s
blueprint for spiritual leadership flowed from the relationship he had with
Christ. Peter was a shepherd to the early church, and he passed Jesus’
instructions on to others, including the admonition for young people to properly
submit themselves to the godly leaders placed in their lives.
The apostle Paul spoke of the need for spiritual fathers and mothers when he
wrote, Though you might have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet you do not
have many fathers (1 Corinthians
This is the kind of person that a Christian should seek when looking for godly
counsel — a spiritual mother or father in the Lord.
Wait on the Lord
Sometimes when the people we trust as counselors have a check in their spirit
about the guidance we are sensing, it is an indication to wait until the Lord
has made His will more clear to us. We may sense that God is saying to go one
way, while our parents or pastor are sensing that we should go another way. In
the end we may find that neither way was God’s plan, but that there was a
third alternative that we were to follow. By waiting we allow God to reveal His
perfect will to us at the right time. And God is honored by our willingness to
trust Him and humble ourselves while we wait for Him to open the right door.
Mistakes
of the Past
Many sincere Christians have made mistakes while seeking godly counsel. Trying
to find the Lord’s will for our lives can be a tricky business.
Disappointments in guidance do happen, especially when people step out
erroneously, basing their decision on a vision, dream, or prophecy without
receiving the input of others.
Some people reject godly counsel altogether, saying, “I can hear God perfectly
well by myself.” They willingly walk away from the safety that is only found
in the multitude of counselors.
This is dangerous ground. It is very easy to fall into self-deception. Because
we are emotional beings, our feelings can sometimes interfere with our reason.
God gave us a mind to help us to make rational decisions. Sometimes we want
something so badly that we ignore what makes sense just to fulfill our fleshly
desires. At other times we are so emotionally involved in a situation that we
can’t come to a rational decision. One day our heart is saying one thing, and
the next day it is saying something else. At these times we need the help of
others to sort through our feelings to find God’s plan for our lives.
Another word of admonition: Don't seek counsel from someone who is in the middle
of a similar struggle! For example, a person who has been hurt by other people
in the church probably can’t give you good counsel on finding a church of your
own, at least until they have sorted through and resolved their own issues.
Avoid
Manipulation
Another mistake that some Christians make in seeking counsel is giving in to
what I call “manipulative personal prophecy.” As we said earlier, the
apostle Paul tells us to “not despise prophecies,” but to “test all things
and hold fast what is good”(1 Thessalonians 5 20–21). This statement implies
that not all things are good when it comes to personal prophecy! Some people
allow their own interpretations of what they are seeing in the Spirit to
influence how they deliver a personal prophecy. The Christian, particularly the
new believer, needs to be on their guard when receiving a word of prophecy —
especially when it comes from someone who knows and understands their
circumstances. It can be very easy for a person to move from sharing a word from
the Lord into sharing his or her opinion on a situation “in the name of the
Lord.”
Sometimes this can simply be the result of an immature believer’s giving the
personal prophecy, someone who hasn’t learned to separate the leading of the
Holy Spirit from their own interpretation of the word. At other times, however,
the motive can be more sinister. There are those in the church who have used
personal prophecy as a manipulative device, simply to get other people to do
what they want. That is why it is important that a person not rely solely on
personal prophecy in making decisions. Again, a word of prophecy is only one of
the seven keys of God’s guidance, and should be tested and weighed against the
other keys in the process of making any major decision.
Beware
of Immaturity
There are also immature leaders out there who may have been in church their
whole lives but are still babes when it comes to the things of the Lord. A
person’s title does not necessarily indicate their level of maturity in
Christ. You don’t want to seek advice from a counselor whose pride will be
puffed up because they are giving you advice. Be careful to make sure that the
counselor you seek doesn’t have some hidden agenda. Some people get their ego
stroked by advising other people, or even being considered an elder in the
church. Again, the Lord will give you peace when you are in the presence of a
godly counselor, and you will have a check in your spirit if you are not.
A final warning in the area of counsel is to be on guard for manipulative
leaders. Be careful to avoid the pastor or spiritual leader who is caught up in
what is called spiritual abuse.
While the Bible makes it clear that we are to properly submit ourselves to the
leadership in the church, dictatorial leadership is never condoned by this
command. Only Jesus Christ is Lord over our lives. No man or woman should assume
that role.
There is clearly a biblical call for proper spiritual authority in the church,
in the community, and in the life of a believer. We need the input of other
believers in our lives. We need to seek the counsel of mature godly believers,
especially in major decisions. But as believers we have access to God’s throne
through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. There is no need for a priest
or minister to take the place of Jesus as Lord over our lives. We look to Him
for guidance in our decisions, and then we seek confirmation and clarity from
other brothers and sisters on what we sense the Lord is saying — we don’t
seek their permission.
Adapted from Seven Keys to Hearing God's Voice. Used with permission. (c) 2003, Hensley Publishing.