Discovery's
Statement on Divorce and
Divorce is a growing problem in America . The casual attitude of divorce in the secular world is spilling over into the church where the statistics are only slightly lower. Consider the following statistics from the US Census Bureau:
In 1920, there was 1 divorce for every 7 marriages. That is 14%.
In 1940, there was 1 divorce for every 6 marriages. That is 17%.
In 1960, there was 1 divorce for every 4 marriages. That is 25%.
In 1972, there was 1 divorce for every 3 marriages. That is 33%.
In 1977, there was 1 divorce for every 2 marriages. That is 50%.(1)
Of course, the divorce rate has stayed around 50% since the 70's, but has recently exceeded that.
Marriage was first instituted by God in the Garden of Eden. It is a monogamous, physical and spiritual union between a man and a woman (Gen. 2:21-24), where adultery was forbidden (Exodus 20:14), and dissolution was not allowed. But it didn't take long for the monogamous arrangement to become corrupted. Polygamy became an accepted social custom (Gen. 16:1-2; Deut. 21:15). In fact, many of the Kings of Israel were polygamists. The norm, however, was, and still is, monogamy.
People Got Divorced in the Bible.
As is evident in the statistics above, people get divorced. Even in the Bible there was divorce. In the OT, only men were able to divorce their wives (Deut. 24:1-4). In the NT, women were also apparently able to initiate divorce (Mark 10:12; 1 Cor. 7:13). But, what is a Christian to do if he or she has been divorced? Can he remarry? Should he stay single? Is the Christian guilty of a perpetual sin if he or she divorces?
God wants the Christian to take marriage very seriously. Jesus said, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate," (Mark 10:9 -- see also 1 Cor. 7:10-11; Heb. 13:4.). But, because we live in an imperfect world, the Bible speaks about the circumstance of divorce. Let's take a look.
The Biblical Reasons For Divorce
BECAUSE MARRIAGE HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED BY GOD as an indissoluble union, and since it is an earthly copy of the relationship between God and His people, it is to be kept inviolate. However, because of the fallenness of human nature, the Scriptures permit divorce in the following cases as an accommodation to human sin for the protection of the innocent party:
1. Divorce for the cause of immorality - with the understanding that the obligation to maintain or reinstate the marriage may not be imposed upon the innocent spouse. Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery," (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is
porneia from which we get the word pornography. Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus.
2. Divorce for desertion for the faith - desertion being defined as behavior equivalent to the abandonment of the marriage relationship
because a spouse follows God. In addressing the issue of husband and wife, Paul said, "Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace," (1 Cor. 7:15).
In such cases, the innocent spouse is not bound. He or she is free to remarry in the Lord (though the seeking of repentance and reconciliation should always be the first recourse).
Some Questions Answered
The most important thing to remember here is that part of the answers to questions on divorce must include grace. God is not a Law Master who wants to forcefully bring His people into broken submission. God is very forgiving and loving. He wants His people to experience joy and fulfillment in their lives and this can only be done in the grace of forgiveness. Jesus bore all your sins, even the sins of divorce. Divorce for unbiblical reasons is a sin but like all other sins it has been paid for. He will not bring them up again on the Day of Judgment. You are free in Christ.
What about remarriage?
The remarriage of believers may not be approved when:
1. Divorce is being used as a vehicle to seek a different mate, since such pre-intent makes the divorce adulterous.
2. There is no evident of repentance and brokenness over the circumstances that caused the divorce.
3. Restoration of the original marriage remains a viable option.
It is understood that the concerns above do not apply to divorces that have occurred before conversion.
Each case of divorce or remarriage has to be dealt with on an individual basis from the perspective of God's inexhaustible capacity to forgive human sin and to restore broken lives.
Other
However, questions remain. Following are some of the questions we've been asked about divorce. Each answer is a biblical guideline that we need to be aware of regarding divorce. The following outline is offered as a suggestion of options.
What if a person was an unbeliever when he got divorced and it was for an unbiblical reason and later became a Christian? What should he do?
If reconciliation is an option, seek it. However, there are some other issues:
a. If the ex-spouse is not a Christian, he should not remarry the spouse because a believer is not to marry an unbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14).
b. If either spouse has gotten married, remarriage is not an option either. (Deut. 24:3-4; Mark 10:11-12).
c. If the ex spouse will have nothing to do with any reconciliation or you arenot able to contact this person, you are free to remarry.
d. If the ex spouse has died you are free to remarry.
What if a person was a believer when he got divorced, but the reason was not adultery or abandonment, and wants to remarry someone different now what should he do?
If you initiated the divorce, then you should not remarry (Matt. 5:31), However.... Reconciliation with the initial spouse should be sought with confession of sin and the request for forgiveness. If it was the spouse that left without a biblical reason, then you are free to remarry. Reconciliation should be sought with a confession of sin.
What if a couple was divorced, married others, got divorced, and wants to become remarried to again?
The Bible says that you cannot return to your first spouse after you remarried (Deut. 24:3-4; Jer. 3:1). If you have, nevertheless, already gotten married, continue in your marriage and seek the Lord's forgiveness. He will give it.
What if a person was a believer when he got divorced, but the reason was not adultery or abandonment, and has already gotten married. Is he in sin? Depending on the circumstances, he may be. But he should confess his sin to the lord and spouse and seek forgiveness from the original spouse and then he should stay married and be the best husband (or wife) he can be.
Does Exodus 21:10-11 give us another reason for divorce – insufficient food, clothing and
sex (or as some would say, abandonment of responsibility, a lack of love or even
incompatibility)? Is this another reason for divorce besides adultery and abandonment
for the faith?
My
first reaction to this question is that if a lack of home cooked meals and
sex were biblical reasons for divorce most men would say they have reason to see
an attorney! Then again, I’m supposed to be serious so let me boil down
it all down into a three word answer – no, No and NO!
Here's why I feel this teaching is in error and respectfully disagree with those who would teach it...
First, Exodus 21:10-11 deals with a specific, cultural situation that doesn’t exist today – servanthood or slavery. If we had handmaidens and slaves this passage might apply but we don't! (sorry guys!)
The
chapter starts out by instructing that male servants can – if they desire -
leave their service after a period of six years without payment of money.
Based on that guideline it is presumed that if they desire to leave their
service before completing six years of service then they must indeed pay
redemption money.
On
the other hand, maid-servants have a different standard - they can only leave
their service by the payment of redemption money. It could be six or sixty
years - there is no six year “freedom clause.” This inconsistency is
the direct result of the culture of that day.
It is in that context of "redemption money" that the writer of Exodus
goes on to state that if a maid-servant who is also a wife is denied
food, clothing and sex because her master / husband’s attention is on another
wife then that denial is considered equivalent to redemption money. As a
result, she can therefore leave her master's service without payment of money.
In other words, the maid-servant / wife is not to be ignored for the younger,
better or newer model! If a master / husband does so, the servant is freed
from slavery.
This passage is very specific and for it to be applicable today there are
several requirements: first, there must slavery. Second, there must be
polygamy (at least two wives). Neither is legal (or ethical) today. The
context of this verse is very specific - there must be another wife
involved emotionally or sexually. When that happens we are talking about
adultery more than we are abandonment.
Again,
if we had polygamy and maid-servants and masters and such, this passage might be
applicable for today. However we
don't and this scripture is "culturally specific" like the admonitions
in the Old Testament to not wear jewelry or eat pork. Actually, much of
this portion of the Bible is culture specific. Go back a few verses to
Exodus 21:7. You’ll see how to
sell your daughter into slavery. Do
we skip over that and only apply the verses that immediately follow?
Do we pick and chose only the verses of this passage we want to?
I would hope not.
These
verses are “cultural specific” and should not be used as guidelines
(or excuses!) for our behavior today. Let me give you some other
examples of cultural specificity. Both
Leviticus 25:44 and Exodus 21:7 state that I may possess slaves, Leviticus
1:9 gives me blow-by-blow directions for sacrificing a bull and Exodus 35:2
clearly states anyone who works on the Sabbath should be put to death (bad news
for us pastors!). This part of
the Old Testament also states eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), I
may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight (Lev.21:20),
trimming our hair around the temples is forbidden (Lev.21:20), touching the skin
of a dead pig (pork and footballs) makes me unclean (Lev. 11:6-8) and wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend) can get
me stoned – and I don’t mean getting high either! (Lev.24:10-16).
Get
the point? These verses are
“cultural specific” and should not be used as guidelines (or
excuses!) for our behavior today.
My
point is simple, if you choose to follow this teaching then follow it all.
First, you must take a second spouse. She must also be a slave.
You should also stop wearing jewelry, stop eating pork, sacrifice bulls
correctly, sell your daughters into slavery properly, stop wearing glasses to
church and for heaven's sake - don't wear polyester (the mixing of fabrics)!!!!
Do you see how foolish it sounds? Well, the teaching that insufficient
food, clothing and sex (or as some would say, a lack of love, support or
compatibility) is a biblical reason for divorce should be filed in the same
category as these other cultural rules.
Simply put, Exodus 21:2-11 is discussing freedom from
service in slavery. Read the verses as a whole and you'll see that.
On
a personal note, I do not think the passage released the maidservant / wife from
her marriage vows - she was only freed from slavery - the marriage still stood.
There was a whole different set of rules for the dissolution of a marriage and
these are not discussed here. If anything I think that these verses teach
the necessity of keeping the marriage vow even when there’s the kind of
economical, social or sexual problems that allowed freedom from slavery.
These issues are not a reason for removal from marriage – they should be
worked out and resolved.
I agree that a lack of provision (or finances) is a bad situation that needs correction but it is NOT grounds for divorce. To teach that it is a dangerous teaching becuase it cheapens Christ’s example of marriage representing His relationship with us. As a church we must work to support marriage and hold people to the commitments they made - "until death do us part" and "for better for worse." I believe it is the church's responsibility to hold people accountable to that standard.
When
it comes to divorce I think it is only a “last choice” option in certain
specific circumstances (immorality and desertion because of faith). Certainly
people get divorced for many more reasons than that but I personally think God
gives us leeway only in those two instances.
More importantly, even in permissible cases, a
decision to divorce should be the last option after every attempt at
reconciliation and restoration has been made.
I
know that sounds ultra-fundamental and conservative but I believe that marriage
has been established by God as an indissoluble union.
Marriage is an earthly copy of the relationship between God and His
people and as such it is to be kept inviolate. Since marriage is a picture
of our relationship with God, imagine if God had divorced us after we repeatedly
failed Him. If Exodus 21 were a
biblical reason for divorce imagine how many times we would have been
“divorced” from Christ. We fail
Him daily in our commitments, our service and meeting the financial needs of the
“marriage” (i.e. our giving).
None of us – most of all me! – would be a Christ-follower today.
Ultimately,
Christ’s dealing with us as His bride is our example.
He never quits on us (and I for one deserve it!).
In
closing, if you are considering divorce, my advice is for you both to seek Godly
counseling and ask God to restore the love that once was. I said this
earlier – at one time or another you both loved each other and that is still
within you. That’s where the Lord comes in. Ask Him to bring it
back and be sincere. Then take some
corrective action. Most of all –
get some professional, qualified help and get it ASAP!!!!!!
A WORD OF WARNING
My advice to couples in marital crisis is always that both seek Godly counseling and ask God to restore the love that once was. At one time or another you both loved each other and that is still within you. That’s where the Lord comes in. Ask Him to bring it back and be sincere. I can recommend a great counselor if you desire. BUT LET ME GIVE YOU A WORD OF WARNING!
My experiences
with couples in crisis has shown me that there is something else that must be
avoided during marital crisis (and every other time as well!).
You should both protect your vulnerability and avoid letting others who
have no business doing so get too involved.
Be
very careful to guard your heart.
This is especially true when it comes to co-workers and friends of the
opposite sex. I recently met with a
woman who “lost her heart” to a guy who works in the same ministry as her.
The attraction started when they started “sharing their emotional
hurts.” Be very careful to guard
your heart.
Selma
and Rodney Wilson, (two marriage therapists) wrote a
great article that said that one of the real dangers to a marriage –
especially a troubled marriage - is developing an emotional attachment to
someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse.
Often this can push you over the edge.
"We're just good friends giving each other advice" can go bad
quickly. When you’re at a low
point emotionally close friendships can become emotional escapes that lead to
marital disaster. You wake up one
day and realize that someone has stolen your heart.
Great caution should be followed to avoid this slippery path.
God wired you for
emotional bonding, and the need is powerful. When deprived of this type of
intimacy in a marital crisis like the one you find yourself in, the enemy can
tempt you (see 1 Peter 5:8). He may
try sending someone into your path who gives you the emotional attention that
you should be working at restoring with your spouse. Then,
in your mind, “the other man” or “the other woman” can quickly become
everything you feel your mate is not. That’s
a dangerous scenario and it’s also unrealistic.
That “perfect man” has just as many flaws – maybe even more!
Emotional bonding
with someone else can easily slip into a physical relationship.
I just met last week with a woman who was seeking help from an affair
begun by a lack of emotional connection within the marriage. That’s why it’s
vital to erect emotional guardrails around your marriage. What’s in our hearts
and minds will make a difference in our marriage relationship.
Selma
and Rodney Wilson give two critical guardrails to put
in your marriage. First, in crisis time, guard your heart.
You should only think of one man or woman as your emotional home, and
that person is your mate. If those emotions are lacking you should do whatever
is necessary to restore them.
Second,
never share deeply with someone of the opposite sex.
Guard
your emotions and share them only with God, your spouse, a Christian counselor,
or a close friend of the same sex. Emotions
are the subtlest of attractions. Physical
attractiveness is easy to spot -- and thus guard against. But
a warm, caring, sensitive personality can draw you in so subtly, so smoothly,
and so quickly that if guardrails are not securely in place, you’ll find
yourself much closer to the cliff of emotional bonding than it’s safe or wise
to be. When you lose your heart the
physical involvement isn't far behind.
If you’re
thinking, “That would never happen to me! I would never have an affair!”
think again. Never overestimate yourself, and never underestimate the enemy.
There’s a reason
the department of transportation erects guardrails at dangerous curves in the
road: Without them, people would accidentally, but quickly, tumble over the
edge. It’s not any different with our emotions. Boundaries must be established
when relating to the opposite sex, or you can easily and quickly find yourself
going over the edge emotionally – especially when the marital journey is rough
and rocky. Be very careful to guard
your heart.
ABUSE:
One topic that comes up frequently is physical and mental abuse. Are they grounds for divorce? For this reason it very important that you follow the command of the Lord to not be unequally yoked (II Corinthians 6:14 ) and also to be fruit inspectors of potential mates. Just because someone says they’re a Christian doesn’t make them one (Matthew 7:21 ). Be very careful of where you meet people, it will be a good indicator of the quality of the catch.
Now, regarding physical abuse, this is a personal opinion of mine, but I believe that anytime you feel your life or the life of your children are in danger you need to get out of the situation…even if he says he’s a Christian.
As far as mental abuse is concerned, in my opinion, it is not grounds for divorce. Too many couples are using mental abuse (arguing, belittling, and name calling) as a way out of a marriage. This maybe a bad situation but not grounds for divorce.